Doors

Too oft my mind ventures,

Out of its dark confines,

Beyond the doors of solitude,

Eluding its labyrinthine passages.

Trying to seek refuge

In blissful sunshine,

And eternal hope,

A place, where I can quiet my chaotic mind,

And grab a drink, to sit with my musings,

And arrange maybe, a bouquet of flowers,

The names of which I might’ve forgotten,

Over a cuppa coffee,

A time, where I could breathe freely,

Without fearing consequences

To my minuscule acts.

When all it comes down to,

At the end of the day,

Is a crowd of sorrows,

Shaking violently, the doors of my resolve,

As it laughs maliciously,

At my faulty past,

Pushing me deep,

Into the abyss of

Darkness, guilt and shame,

As I fall back and realise,

That I’m fading…

Dinner time conversations

“We’re gonna relocate”, my dad said,

Just as mom began serving dinner that day,

It was the beginning of December,

And yet, a trickle of sweat ran down my spine..

I looked at him in disbelief, then at mom,

She didn’t have a word to say,

but she didn’t return my gaze either..

“Why?? Where??” I dared to ask,

He didn’t expect that, I could tell..

“Grandma can’t climb 3 flights of stairs”,

He said with a defiant air.

“But it’s Mumbai”, I cried, unable to swallow,

“How can we leave? I’m still studying..”

“You’re only worrying cuz of your friends” he said,

“I can make friends anywhere, but yes”,

I replied, somewhat hurt and anguished,

With that, the image of my college,

Stood before my eyes..

My friends were calling out to me,

Holding out a hand, which I couldn’t reach,

I saw the dream of my future fading a little bit,

As I felt a void building up in my heart.

As dad finished dinner and left,

My brother shrugged, “nobody asks me”,

And just like that life had changed,

Over a single dinner time conversation.

It’s not easy, being me

I might make your day easy,

With jokes and puns that are cheesy,

But I wouldn’t let you know,

That my insides are queasy.

I could crave pani puri and biryani one day,

Or simply stay hungry and sulk away,

One time I’d listen to Ed Sheeran and Coldplay,

Or you might find me blaring Nickelback’s Faraway.

It’s not easy, being me,

With my mood swings,

rising and setting like a tsunami.

I want to learn salsa one day,

On another, you find me with a guitar at bay,

Mornings I’d be singing at the top of my voice,

Come evenings, I might simply shy away,

Some days, I see myself in the mirror,

And don’t want to acknowledge myself,

And on days like these, I’m gonna need

All the reassurances I can collect,

Or I could simply fight with you,

For not understanding the things I haven’t said.

But I can tell you this,

I’ll hold you, even when you’re hard on yourself,

I’ll make faces at you, just to see you smile helplessly,

And I’ll sit with you in silence, until you want to be heard,

And I’d make us a cup of coffee, when you pour out your stories.

I’d watch the stars with you, maybe even name them,

Or count the waves on the seashore, as we build castles in the sand.

So if one day you wake up,

And feel like loving me, think again!!

I might be an easy person,

But it’s not easy, being me.

My creator

Maa sits on the swing in the balcony,

Humming a tune from some old Bollywood movie,

And I think to myself,

When did I last see her so calm and peaceful.

But I have seen her hum before, haven’t I?

When she does the things she loves,

When she works,

When she cooks,

Almost all the time.

Or have I been just too busy to notice?

She’s had a song for every mood,

And mind you, she sings really good,

Oh! But she’s good at a lot of things,

If I sat and wrote, the list would be never ending.

My childhood was spent under the canopy,

Of her magnanimous selfless attitude,

And as I see her now on that swing,

My head bows down in gratitude.

I’ve always revered her style and poise,

Always admired her warmth and grace,

But if I had to sum it all up at length,

This woman, my mother, is an idol of strength.

She’s had her share of troubles,

And she has not winced,

At times when she stood up for herself,

Her words were not minced.

I’ve seen her taking care of dad,

And I sometimes find her,

Looking at his picture and smile,

Conversing maybe, with him, in her mind.

And I wonder, as she hums today,

What memories invade her mind and stay,

How much she’d be missing dad,

Each moment of every day.

But my doubt was cleared as my brother came home that evening,

She smiled at him from her perch on the swing,

Maa called out to him and said, “Son,

You remind me of my favourite person!”

Under the spell

My heart “Wingardium Leviosa”d at the sight of you,

And I “Accio”ed you instantly,

And you “Alohomora”d the doors of my mind,

That were guarded by the likes of Fluffy and Aragog,

And “Ascendio”ed my heart so fast, even Dobby couldn’t protect it,

You “Lumos”ed the parts of my mind,

Where bravery and courage dwelled,

And I was “Expelliarmus”ed by your smile,

And the “Riddikulus” beauty of it.

And when my mind delved deep into the forbidden dark forest of thoughts,

You appeared as my patronus, when I cried “Expecto Patronum”.

Midnight thoughts

Blessed are those, who boast,

Of sound sleep, and dreamless nights,

Of 40 winks, that make to the morn,

Unlike those, that are forlorn.

Those, cursed with treacherous thoughts,

That consume their nights,

Trudging along,

bearing an insurmountable weight,

On dim-lit, deserted paths at midnight..

Of failures that didn’t come with a second chance,

And arguments that remained unresolved,

The ill fated separation of a loved one,

And the void it leaves behind,

And the pain that comes and stabs on the inside,

Until they learn to keep a brave face outside.

The forsaken, awash and desolate,

Know it in their jaded heart,

It’s a tired thing,

The loneliness in being forgotten.

One more life

“Listen”, he said,

Turning and looking at her serene, sleepy face,

To which, she raised a brow,

Without opening her eyes,

“Don’t go”, he said, “just stay..”

She smiled, eyes still shut,

Tracing a finger on d edges of his face,

Making a mental note of his features,

“You know”, she chimed,

“I don’t want to name what we have,

Not because I can’t,

But because I know, that you are equally unsure,

And also cuz, I don’t want to confine it

To one emotion,

When we could be, a thousand different things,

And for that, we need one more lifetime.

So, meet me on the other side,

And a lot earlier..

And I promise, I’ll never leave.”

I want you to stay

Because I wear my heart on my sleeve,

And I’ve had it broken many a times,

By relying too much, or sometimes too little,

Or letting my hopes fly too high,

Like a raging wildfire..

Before you came by

And you showed me..

That it was ok..

to expect people to love you

The way you would do,

To feel a lil desperate or anxious

Or even ugly and unwanted at times,

Cuz these things make me who I am,

And that I love myself enough,

To expect the same from others.

And I want you to stay,

Cuz I want you to be my constant

In an ever changing world,

I want you to stay,

Cuz I can’t let you go,

I want you to stay,

For an infinite number of reasons,

But most importantly,

I want you to stay,

Cuz I’m not done loving you yet.

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