As a Daughter..

When they say you don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it, they haven’t come across people who constantly live with the fear of losing a loved one. What it is to be fearful of an impending inevitable is an inexplicable dread we’ve all faced at some point in life.

Losing my dad had always been the greatest fear of my life. Even as a young child and with the stories of life and death we heard from my grandma, it always scared me to think of his absence in my life.

As I look back upon the years, each memory of his flashes so vividly, I can sense the air of that time so fresh in my breath. How I watched him play badminton with his friends early mornings, how he drove me to school on his scooter, how he held me as I jumped puddles in the rains. My cough used to trouble his tired sleep many a nights, but he would still bid me goodbye on his way to work like his day wouldn’t start without it. He would ask me to select his shirt when he went out with his friends. He would take us to meet Santa every Christmas. He bought me my first hunter boots. He was proud of my friends and that showed his trust in me. He waited till so late to take me home after my college function and still let me go for dinner with my friends when they insisted. I remember seeing him cry watching father-daughter movies and I’ve seen him smile through tears. I remember listening to Devanand and Shammi Kapoor songs n him whistling to those tunes he loved so much.

But all the love in the world and all the happy memories can never prepare you for the worst fear of your life. The day came as expectedly unexpected. The call that I had dreaded came from mom and I rushed dazedly aware of my actions. I saw him there, lying still and calm.. peaceful, without a care in the world. Content that his purpose on Earth was served.

I couldn’t be there when he breathed his last, and I wonder all the time if it was a good thing for me or not. His departure and the life after that has been one full of lessons. His absence, in a way, has taught me to be strong on my own. I realise what legacy he has left us in his way of living. Carrying his name is a matter of pride and responsibility both. I hope to live a life that he would be proud of!! Through every walk of life, I’ll learn to dance like the queen he played me songs about!!